boulevard of broken dreams

my ainsel

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 01:55:48 GMT

"so yeah, jesus does pretty good over here. but i met a guy who said he saw him hitchhiking by the side of the road in afghanistan and nobody was stopping to give him a ride. you know? it all depends on where you are." - jacquel, from "american gods"
i added the livejournal feed of neil gaiman's journal onto my friends list. i've been seeing these feeds around lj, and they are so cool! too bad joss doesn't keep a public journal. maybe he knows how much i would be harassing him, lmao.

anyways, american gods just keeps getting better and better by the page. everyone needs to read this book. seriously. i'm off to read more [ i didn't just say that. ;) ].

survey says

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 23:42:04 GMT

"ooohh... scott hope at eleven o'clock. he likes you. he wanted to ask you out last year, but you weren't ready then. but i think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or... or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like. OH! i didn't mean the *bad* thing with your mouth! i meant that little half-smile thing that you..." *glares at oz* "...you're supposed to stop me when i do that." - willow, 3.03 "faith, hope & trick"
someone please tell me that they have a copy of melanie doane's "i can't take my eyes off you"? please? my recent backup after my recent hard drive scare revealed i didn't have a lot of the music i thought i already re-pirated. =/ FYI, it's the song played at the end of 5.06 "family" when willow and tara are dancing. lovely song. someone please tell me they have it and want to send it to me and i'll link you to my temporary ftp if necessary.

besides that, IF bored, you can fill out this delicious survey i stole from la_reine_rien. tell me how cool or lame i am! as i am feeling so narcissistic! and then, IF you dare, post the same survery in YOUR journal! XD

would you :

[_] go out with me?
[_] give me your number?
[_] kiss me?
[_] let me kiss you?
[_] watch a movie with me?
[_] let me take you out to dinner?
[_] let me drive you somewhere
[_] cut some rug with me?
[_] take a shower with me?
[_] be my bf/gf?
[_] have a fling with me?
[_] let me buy you a drink?
[_] take me home for the night?
[_] Would you let me sleep in your bed?
[_] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[_] sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
[_] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[_] give me a piggyback ride?
[_] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] lick my cheek?
[_] listen to billy idol with me?
[_] dance with me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] tap me in the ass?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me to death?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] carress my body?
[_] play strip poker with me?
[_] say yes if i asked you out?
[_] let me wear your pants?
[_] borrow a pair of my underwear if yours for some reason got ruined?
[_] let me borrow your underwear if for some reason mine got ruined?
[_] get wasted with me?
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?

D0 Y0U...
[_] think im cute?
[_] think im hot?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to cuddle wit me?
[_] want to hook up with me?

ARE WE...
[_] aquintences?
[_] friends?
[_] in a relationship?
[_] gonna have kids?

AM i...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] compassionate?
[_] annoying?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
[_] odd?
[_] good enough to be a calvin klein model?

HAVE Y0U EVER...
[_] thought about me?
[_] thought there might be an "us"?
[_] thought about hookin up with me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished i were there?
[_] grabbed me?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] idolized me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?

ARE Y0U...
[_] done with this survey?
[_] happy you know me?
[_] mad at me?
[_] thinkin bout me?
[_] going to repost this so that i will return the favor?

under my skin

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 17:58:38 GMT

"looks the same. handcrafted by blind tibetan monks?"
"pieced together by mute chinese nuns. now that’s craftsmanship."
- cordy & rick, 1.14 "i've got you under my skin"
so this is me according to the dalai lama :

my priorites:

1. PRIDE
1. FAMILY
2. LOVE
3. CAREER
4. MONEY

my views

• i am LOYAL
• my lover is SLEEPY
• my enemies are DIRTY
• sex to me is WARM
• my life TRANQUIL

my colours

• i will never forget natalie (halfbloodme)
• my truest friend is lara (artemisofluna)
• i love leticia (perra_laika)
• my twin soul is alice (haunted_solace)
• i will always remember nathalie (bittermoon)

what's my line?

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 00:33:48 GMT

"okay! uhhh! i shouldn't even be bothering with this. it's all mootville for
me... no matter what my aptitude test says, we already know my deal."
- buffy, 2.09 "what's my line part 1"
dear reader, i resisted as long as i could but eventually crumbled and just filled the bloody thing out. peer pressure! lol. ugh... well... enjoy! (no, seriously, don't look)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. tee
2. tea
3. t

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. not smelly
2. not skinny
3. not fat

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. often smell like smoke
2. too skinny
3. the fat on my ass

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. laos
2. thai
3. buffy

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. shadow and laura
2. buffy and angel
3. willow and tara

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. internet
2. coffee
3. the sarah joss

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. a sweater of wal-mart origin
2. track pants of unknown origin
3. an invisible frown

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. sarah, chantal, martina, dido, imbruglia, michelle, vanessa
2. sarah (harmer), sarah (bettens), avril, furtado, cranberries
3. prodigy, havoc, noyd, eminem, 2pac, dj premiere

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. martina sorbara - all in good time
2. chantal kreviazuk - souls
3. sarah mclachlan - world on fire

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. i am writing a novel
2. i died twice already
3. i have a secret crush on sarah slean

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. nerdism
2. the neil joss
3. the sarah prodigy

THREE THINGS YOU REALLY WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW:
1. *smellage*
2. *sleepage*
3. exhale

THREE NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. mya
2. serena
3. kobe

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. buffy 5.22
2. buffy 7.22
3. finish writing my novel

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. like girls
2. love basketball
3. the buffy willow *wink*

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. the tori sarah
2. the miranda willow
3. the coco misskittyfantastico

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. ~~alyson hannigan~~
2. ~~natalie imbruglia~~
3. sugar baybee

THREE THINGS YOU MISS:
1. youth as an excuse to be stupid & lazy
2. youth as an excuse to be surrounded by the stupid & lazy
3. shadow (sheppard-labrador)

Seven things that attract you to the opposite/same sex:
1. the tori sarah
2. buffyology and/or jossology and/or sandmanology
3. addiction to novels
4. schizotypal personality disorder
5. wisdom
6. sense of humour
7. intelligence
8. her eyes

Top seven things you say most:
1. umm
2. err
3. well
4. i mean
5. huh?
6. *sigh*
7. i know. i know.

In the last 24 hours have you:
Cried: out loud? =/
Been kissed: in person? =/
Felt stupid: "to infinity and beyond" =/
Wanted to tell someone you love them, but didn't: yes =/
Hugged someone: again, offline? =/

burklelicious

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 20:58:21 GMT

i've finally decided that my next target purchase is the angel season two dvd box set. the return of darla and the introduction of fred and the (literal) two second willow in the finale... let's just say... i've decided.

fred & angel, 2.22, "there's no place like plrtz glrb"
buffyverse db :: vrya.net/bdb/clip.php?clip=5187

"i found kalla berries! they sweeten the oatmeal. well... i call it oatmeal. it's actually crug-grain and thistles, but with enough kalla berries... i hope the skins are comfortable... i seem to remember when there were beds you could sleep in for hours at a time!"

"oh, yeah, i... i slept. it... it was fine."

"hmm."

"what? did i snore?"

"hmm... i don't remember any snoring."

"good."

"i remember caterwauling..."

"sorry."

"i don't mind. sometimes it just burbles up inside you and you have to... bellow a little. do it all the time. no one's around to hear. you'll get better with a little rest and care."

"i don't think so."

"why wouldn't ya?"

"you saw what i turn into. back in LA it's bad. but here it's..."

"we all got our demons. okay, so... maybe you got a beast in you. but i know what it's like to be squirrelly and a freak with no one to... does it taste like oatmeal? i... i forget what things are supposed to taste like."

"tastes good."

"TACOS!! sorry. i didn't mean to holler at you. i love tacos. do they still have them? you know, back..."

"...home? yeah, they didn't outlaw tacos."

"oh, of course not. i've been trying to make an enchilada out of tree bark."

"bark enchiladas huh? how's that going?"

"there is work to be done."

silver strand

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 19:17:44 GMT

"we saved the world. i say we party."
- buffy, 1.12 "prophecy girl"

second only to the x-files. not too shabby at all.
stole the link from bbthatsme : www.bellaonline.com/articles/art30354.asp

choices

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 04:17:16 GMT

buffy: what do you say, will? big time danger.
willow: hey... i eat danger for breakfast! =)
- 3.19, "choices"
so i just decided to overlook my obsessive-compulsive everything must be perfect before i publish method of thinking. and i went ahead and made my new layout my 'live' web-site, even though i'm not finished moulding my content yet (none of my buttons go anywhere). oh well. it still feels good to put sortasomething up, and to know that i'm officially designing cabbage in flash now.

check out : http://shadowseeker.now.nu

off for some more american gods. almost half way...
yesterday i found this rather amusing and ironic :

soon they will fall and the star people will meet the earth people. there will be heroes among them, and men who will slay monsters and bring knowledge, but none of them will be gods. this is a poor place for gods.

justapreview

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 19:49:02 GMT

~~shadowseekerseven.tripod.com/test3/flash/index.html~~

melted

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 13:32:55 GMT

i watch the rich get richer
i watch the poor struggle to live
they still tell me they are hopeless
yet unknowingly cling.
i've nothing to give.

silence in my room now... my thoughts don't make a sound
but still the storm continues... relentless... quietly...
invisible snow on the ground.
i'm watching for the melt... hoping for the rain.
don't talk to god but can't say i'm not waiting...
take my hand. smile at me. say i'm not insane.

or maybe that's just a plane?
or just an echo. of a journey, or of a winter...
one we'll never forget.

silence in my room now... my thoughts don't make a sound
but still the storm continues... relentless... quietly...
more invisibles on the ground.
am i winning or have i already lost?
or do i ask too much? too often?
quietly... tiring... relentless...
more invisibles on the ground.

~ ty baccam, "melted"

angelus' truth

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 03:10:30 GMT

passion. it lies in all of us. sleeping... waiting...
and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir...
open its jaws, and howl.
it speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all.
and we obey. what other choice do we have?

passion is the source of our finest moments.
the joy of love... the clarity of hatred...
and the ecstasy of grief.

it hurts sometimes more than we can bear.
if we could live without passion,
maybe we'd know some kind of peace.
but we would be hollow. empty rooms,
shuttered and dank...
without passion,
we'd be truly dead.

- angelus, 2.17 "passion"

[I]nternational [B]ogus [M]achines

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 16:40:10 GMT

"mrs. summers, you have to understand the severity of what's happened to your daughter.
over the last six years she's been in a undifferentiated type of schizophrenia... buffy's
delusion is multi-layered. she believes she's some type of hero."
- doctor, 6.17 "normal again"
jun treated andy and me to dinner last night. i mentioned something about chinese take-out preferrably from a place too small to sit in and eat much like the beloved china sea i grew up on in malton. he remembered a place his friend told him about on highway 27 and it was total delish! i don't like greasy foods, and everything we got from this place was just excellent. good times.

we got back a little before 11pm and my dad tried to give me shit for 'staying out too late'. gimme a break. i mean, my father has always been a great do what you can to pay the bills type of person but, in many ways, he is just completely clueless. at least my mother tries to remember to weigh my bads with my goods (most of the time) before shitting on me, but my dad has this notion that it's okay to direct his anger for all three of his sons towards just me. this is the high cost of keeping an 'open ear' and an 'open mind'. at least my mom can retain the fact that i wasn't just the son that helped out with almost $4,000 for for the downpayment of this house, but that i was the only son that even gave her a penny... while my dad can't even remember that i was the only son to sit and console him and offer him the few hundred in cash i had at the time my mom was threatening to throw him out.

umm... yes sir, i suppose i shouldn't be out at 10:30pm on a saturday. i forgot about that. [anyone who has something bad to say about my "lack" of appreciation for my family needs to count the number alcoholic slash drug addicted members in their family before commenting or emailing me. thank you in advance for you co-operation.]

ek's been getting a little better. he offers me smokes and recently offered cash when i mentioned being close to broke. he often tells me how much he appreciates how i raised andrew and alicia MORE than he ever did, and that tells me his eyes are slowly opening. to start to appreciate me in that sense, is indeed to start learning how to forgive yourself for not being perfect. he still has a long way to go of course, but a start is a start.

my other brother, tho, is getting worse i think. this week i talked to ek, jun, dabid and andy about his drinking and we're all stupified about it. you really shouldn't sneak into your parents room to steal beer even once. i can't even count how many times he has in this house alone. that's just wrong. and you shouldn't try to convince me i need a "normal job" when just last week you needed me to loan you two hundreds dollars (which probably all went to beer and cigarettes and weed). that's just not cool. =/

a little over a year ago i bought an IBM hard drive. big mistake.

i am googlable

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 09:01:30 GMT

willow : have you googled her yet?
xander: willow!! she's seventeen!!!
- 7.04 "help"
i'm not obsessive compulsive at all... but i did finally make number one on google. it's like, first place! okay, it's really not. i'm just a nerd. did i just say 'finally'?? i meant... i just checked and it was, really cool. haha. must take my nap now. i never said i wasn't lame. ;)

"checking in?"

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 04:25:24 GMT

"i'm not ashamed. it's the computer age. nerds are in. they're... still in... right?"
- willow, 1.12 "prophecy girl"
marcus is planning on renewing his dot com. technically, since he did give me money, he was my first client. steve is my second client. if things work out, i should have a nice elegant site up for steve in only two or three weeks. once that is done, i will have a meeting with john f., who is also eagerly awaiting his own interweb exposure. things are seeming to slowly fall into place. definitely not as fast as most people would like their lives to change for the better, but it seems like every day i'm finding more reaons why i should at least try to succeed.

i told marcus the other day that, as a friend, i would of course be willing to help him with web design. but as far as convincing people to do business with him goes, he needs MUCH more than just a website. he needs a business first. it took me several hours to get it through to him, but the truth of the matter is that there is something undeniable in the fact that we can show the same website i built to dozens of people, but only MY audience would want to do business. it's really no one's fault but your own that you aren't skilled enough in a trade to 'convince' people to do business.

i emailed annie guillo tonight. i noticed last week that her dot com was gone and decided today that i didn't want to lose the chance to be her developer (if i indeed have the chance). i'm really not sure if she'll agree, but i will remain hopeful. if she agrees, then she will technically be my fourth client. and the fact that she is a model with a television background really wouldn't hurt my reputation at all. it's so nice to 'know people'. this would really make me look good. well, a guy can hope. =/

queens university

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 22:45:02 GMT

...infamous first infantry, first division, fourth mission
first assignment : give 'em that shit they been missin'
my new edition's way bitchin'
those that listen... get addicted to my diction
fuck rhymes. i write prescriptions
for your disease
generic rap's just not potent like p's...

- prodigy, "quiet storm"

that ain't cute

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 20:07:41 GMT

"well, they weren't very well organized. if they all rushed at buffy, they
could have killed her right away." - anya, 4.17 "superstar"

so dabid can't stop forwarding me those junk emails that make interweb techies shudder from the thought of 'wasted' global bandwidth. lmao. but i know most of you lj people would find this cute or something. even though i don't. * wink *

i'm way more than 87% =/

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 02:15:51 GMT

"i don't care!! ...i don't care. giles, i'm sixteen years old. i don't wanna die."
- buffy, 1.12 "prophecy girl"

The One True Slayer
87 Bites of Slayage

Damn. Not only have you died twice doing what you do, but no one
understands your burden and you find yourself disturbingly attracted to
vampires. You are the ultimate repository of what it takes to be the
Slayer, and no one can tell you otherwise. If you don't own all seven
seasons on DVD, it's cause they haven't been released in your country
yet. I am in total awe of you, and maybe just the tiniest bit creeped
out.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 87% on bites

Link: The Ultimate Buffy Test written by Iguanita41 on Ok Cupid

no angel

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 07:25:10 GMT

what ravages of spirit, conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster, broken by the rule of love
and fate has lead you through it... you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it... you do what you have to do...

and i have the sense to recognize
that i don't know how to let you go

every moment marked... with apparitions of your soul
i'm ever swiftly moving... trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you... i do what i have to do
the yearning to be near you... i do what i have to do

but i have the sense to recognize
that i don't know how to let you go...

i don't know how to let you go.

a glowing ember... burning hot... burning slow
deep within i'm shaken by the violence of existing... for only you
i know i can't be with you, i do what i have to do
i know i can't be with you, i do what i have to do

and i have sense to recognize but
i don't know how to let you go
i don't know how to let you go
i don't know how to let you go.

- sarah mclachlan, "do what you have to do"

enter moderator

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 22:12:53 GMT

"i'm your... i was never a gun... someone else should be the gun!
i could be a... cudgel... or pointy stick..." - willow, 5.22 "the gift"
today is going slower than expected. i woke up and decided i didn't want to go into the city just to give marcus another bloody windows cd. bugger that. it's not like i haven't already given him dozens. then i found out that his bill with his host is like, beyond unpaid, and they shut him down. darnit... i moved my crap back onto tripod for now... it took me almost two hours, but i managed to disable their 'new' banner code. so now my visitors can see me pop-up and banner free again.

yesterday i discussed and planned out several promising things with steve. i think my key will lie in not 'worrying' about becoming a filthy rich bastard. instead, like steve, i am worrying about living my life in comfort. i most definitely would not complain about some financial and emotional stability. would you? =/

well, i'm also the newest moderator of willow_fans... i guess it will be artemis and i for the time being, until halfbloodme returns. everyone needs an online hiatus every now and then. the community has been left in more than capable hands... my concerns will be with with the founder until she returns.

everyone reading this should join our community... even if you don't know who willow is.

a large chunk of my prayers are in indosia right now. i hope they don't get hit (ever) again.

~ ty

easter eggs

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 19:16:09 GMT

"no time for a quote right now. please forgive me."
- ty baccam, "easter eggs"
• my cousin andy got accepted into humber college! the only reason this impresses me is because i was helping him prepare for his entrance exam. so, the odds were like, totally against him! haha. =P

• today is sunday and i have to work.

• techies actually work 24/7 anyways. so don't feel sad for me. =D

• i had two work related "meetings" yesterday :

conversation (a)

client : ty brotha, tomorrow would be GREAT!! yes, i'm gathering up those before and after pictures. mostly just kitchens and bathrooms but the difference in the pics is HUGE. and i already spoke to a friend of mine who has his own home renovation business. and he said that he's collecting his before and after's too. and after he see's what you build for me, he'll be begging you for permission to throw money your way. that's one friend. i know dozens more people that want to talk to you.

me : they're all self employed? like you?

client : hell yes! everyone does whatever they do. but none of us know a trustworthy computer guy.

me : i'll see you tomorrow then. =D

conversation (b)

client : ty brotha... you HAVE to help me! because i'm desperate and running out of ways to survive and three different people are looking for me and i think the cops are looking for me and i think i have to go to court again soon and i just moved into a new apartment i can't pay for and i can't find any clients and i'm starting to get scared and i'm already spending too much time talking to you on the phone because once these minutes are gone i have no more minutes and no more ANYTHING. so monday a friend of a friend of mine is going to get a radio ad for me on the air and by then i'm hoping you can make my website more flashy so that people that hear the ad will call and my life will be saved. please do this for me... even though i already owe you thousands of dollars i KNOW that this radio ad can SAVE ME. please don't let me down!

me : what if you have no more minutes on your phone?

client : holy shit! i never thought of that. by the way... if someone calls me and needs me to fix their computer... i don't have a windows CD. do you have? maybe the latest windows XP or something? anything?

me : the soonest i can see you is monday. i'll bring you a copy of windows. have a good night.

• i'm visiting client (a) today. have a good day folks.

band geek

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 03:18:34 GMT

when the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone
when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

sometimes everything is wrong. now it's time to sing along.
when your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
if you feel like letting go, (hold on)
when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

everybody hurts. take comfort in your friends.
everybody hurts. don't throw your hand. oh, no. don't throw your hand.
if you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone.

if you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

well, everybody hurts... sometimes,
everybody cries. and everybody hurts... sometimes.
and everybody hurts sometimes. so, hold on, hold on.
hold on, hold on. hold on, hold on. hold on, hold on.

(everybody hurts. you are not alone.)

- r.e.m., "everybody hurts"

olaf's hammer

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:54:03 GMT

"if you're going to fight a god, use a weapon of the gods."
- anya, 5.22 "the gift"

if you could tell that special someone anything right now, what would it be?

i will remember you... will you remember me?
don’t let your life pass you by
weep not for... the memories

remember the good times that we had?
i let them slip away from us when things got bad
how clearly i first saw you smilin’ in the sun
wanna feel your warmth upon me, i wanna be the one

i will remember you... will you remember me?
don’t let your life pass you by
weep not for... the memories

i’m so tired but i can’t sleep
standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
it’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
we are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

but i will remember you... will you remember me?
don’t let your life pass you by
weep not for... the memories

i’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
you gave me everything you had, oh... you gave me light

and I will remember you... will you remember me?
don’t let your life pass you by
weep not for... the memories

and i will remember you... will you remember me?
don’t let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories
weep not for the memories

- sarah mclachlan, "i will remember you"

"i just realized... you have SUPER powers"

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 01:24:14 GMT

"i have had experience with stuff like this before. best of all... i'm not stupid."
- buffy, 5.05 "no place like home"
glory attacked me FOUR freakin' times today. i am beaten, bruised, bleeding, limping, but alive. each time she attacked, she was in the form of someone else. she's one sneaky bitch alright. should i be surprised? she only has about what, five, maybe six, billion different faces? damn.

i WISH i could just be sitting here on my computer all day so that i would only have to face her online, from a safer distance. but i doubt such a thing is possible anyway, everywhere i turn, there she is. the next person you see, there she'll be. she refuses to believe that she is no longer a part of me. she refuses to believe that i am okay today because i am not a perfect person. she insists that i do not have enough love in my heart or enough strength in my arms, to save my world.

i feel thankful i will wake up tomorrow. i'd be dead if not for my scoobies. thank you (all of you).

love versus charity

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 10:16:31 GMT

"i am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but i do know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will NOT ask, how many GOOD THINGS have you done in your life?, rather he will ask, how much LOVE did you put into what you did?" - mother teresa
i thought she was dead. i don't remember ever starving and begging for bread, or living in a poor country at all, or ever having leprosy or being diagnosed with aids. seriously, i don't remember ANY of that. but, how can that be?? i can... i can swear, that mother teresa was there for me whenever i needed her. but... how? i thought... i thought she only cared about "those" people. and even now, after death, she is here for me.

hmm.

on another note, seeing as that birthday word is floating around my most favouritest actress of all time, i'm hoping you lovely lj people can do me a small favour. i don't know these, really, i don't... as, erm, i'm not really a jossologist and not really in love aly and i never read artemises comments in halfbloodme's journal and... i'd look them up myself, but i have no interweb connection. ha. if anyone can help, i'd appreciate it:

i. exactly how old are alyson hannigan and james marsters?
ii. do you find either of them physically attractive at all?

big surprise.

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 08:19:48 GMT

"so you're saying that i can... what... dodge bullets??"
- neo, "the matrix"
stole this mudda from haunted_solace. hooray for no spelling errors! obviously i prefer quizzes that try to convince me i'm that girl from that silly little tv show about vampires, but chosen is still chosen. i guess. =/

You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

thump "how do you like THEM APPLES???"

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 04:50:33 GMT

"street life, why'd you have to raise me this way? i'm surprised we alive today... for how long only time will say. forever you a part of me..." - mobb deep, "streets raised me"
i am currently in the process of removing the guilt surrounding my life. my family and friends love me, don't get me wrong, but the pressure i've been surrounded by for the last two decades really took it's toll. for the longest time, i thought that not being able to live up to every single expectation that was ever forced upon me was my own fault.

...it was my fault that my parents had to sacrifice so much to come to canada. my fault that my brothers could not adapt to the culture fast enough, or well enough... it was my fault that they lost sight of their goals, and now my fault that they refuse to look forward. it is even my fault that my mother and father do not live in a mansion... because maybe they would if i went to one of the schools that one of their friends would say is 'so prestigious' because one of their kids or one of their friends kids or cousins kids went there and is now a doctor or a lawyer. this theory also leads to how it is my fault that they cannot yet enjoy retirement. hell, it's even somehow my fault that my brother plays his music as loud as he possibly can, in his druken wobble, even if i happen to be on the other side of the gta. bugger, it's also my fault that he drinks that much... maybe, because i don't drink anything at all? me so confused.

well, afterglow now makes me question this. am i wrong for not wanting to feel guilty about these things anymore?

for seven years i loved this song. but it wasn't until the other night when myapple helped burst a little bubble of mine that i finally understood it. i thought of a typical parent child relationship, which made me think of a mother daughter relationship, which made me, of course, ask sarah if she had any time to talk. and she smiled, and just reminded me that she always has the time to talk to me. and with a sinister grin, she asked me how many voices i could hear in 'black & white'.

indeed, some of us see music, just like some of us think in patterns or talk in colours. so, for seven years i loved this song, but only now, can i see the bolded italics...

unravel me... a distant cord
on the outside is forgotten
a constant need... to get along
and the animal awakens
and all i feel... is black and white

the road is long, the memory slides
to the whole of my undoing
i put aside... i put away
i push it back to get through each day

and all i feel, is black and white
and i'm wound up, small and tight
and i don't, know who i am

everybody loves you when you're easy
everybody hates when you're a bore
everyone is waiting for your entrance
so don't... disappoint them

unravel me... untie this chord
the very centre of our union
is caving in... i can't endure
i am the archive of our failure

and all i feel... is black and white
and i'm wound up, small and tight
and i don't know, who i am

everybody loves you when you're easy
everybody hates when you're a bore
everyone is waiting for your entrance
so don't... disappoint them

everybody loves you when you're... easy
so don't... disappoint them
don't... disappoint them

- sarah mclachlan, "black & white"